Lilies
Charlie Clayton
Handmade soy wax candles scented with lavender and cinnamon, photographed and then manipulated digital images, poetry
2024
Would we put lilies on your grave?
No.
Because you want to be cremated.
The fallacy in your question shows me you wield those words like weapons
You push and pull, posing as a martyr wrong done by
Victim of a plot so large and bizarre that family and friend alike stand as enemies hiding
in the cracks of wallpaper and tuft of carpet.
No.
I would lay lilies on your coffin and weep a river as I helped carry your coffin to the tracks that deliver you to the flames
I would speak of the times where you were happy
Of a mother who was strong and taught me independence
But I would not mourn
I have done that already, the instant I saw the sharpness of your cheekbones and hollow, sunken eyes that once held joy
We've watched you shrink in body and soul
Watched you try to grieve
Watched you make a series of decisions that have lead you to this point
Watched you lash out in defence of your sanity
Watched that sanity crumble
Now I feel numb
No
Angry.
You never taught me how to deal with this,
Always surrounded by bad examples of how to feel rage, how to be angry,
how to make emotional punch bags of other people
Like he did to you
Like he did to me
Like you do to others now
Like you do to yourself
Instead I squeeze it down,
Squeeze it away,
Squeeze clay in my hands to capture my rage
I cannot help you
I'm not sure I want to anymore
I cast my clenched clay
I make candles in abundance
I choose my words carefully
Whispering through your white powder delirium
No
I won't place lilies on your grave, mother mine,
I'll light a candle, and let go.
“Addiction - it gets into our flesh, writes itself upon our bones, then ripples out write itself upon the people who surround us too. The work submitted here is a series of images, ghostly candles waiting to be left on the grave of my mother should her addiction take her from us. In truth, it's the addiction that's the wretched thing - a cancerous tumour that eats away at the good within us, but in turn it causes us to feel sadness, wrath, grief, and futility. We can't see it, we can't wave a hand to make it go away. We can only wait, endure, rage, cry, lose ourselves in a maelstrom of agony and loss.”
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“Art has always been my sanctuary, a way to make sense of the world and express the depths of my imagination. My journey as an artist began later in my life, I was initially a Chemistry student, moved into travel, tried my hand at teaching, I came to art just before the pandemic. This journey has shaped the evolution of my artwork, influenced by a tapestry of experiences and emotions, many of which are deeply rooted in my tumultuous upbringing. I grew up in a world overshadowed by addiction. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother is now battling her own demons with drugs. My own struggles are far behind me, having swapped the artificial closeness of my own drug-fuelled years for the painstaking act of unpicking, mending, and weaving my identity from threads of generational trauma. As a mixed-race, queer, non-binary individual, I grew up poor in a violent home. My life has been a series of microaggressions in the form of "Wear a dress." "Smile more." "You're frigid." "Can I touch your hair?" "You're not really Black though." "Be more positive." "Be less hysterical." I was told that I couldn't spread my wings and take up space —that I had to be bland, invisible, hidden. A liminal kid trying to find colour in the grey in-between places that society pushed me into.
My work invites people to step into my world and see through my eyes. Each piece is a reflection of my inner landscape, a testament to my journey from darkness to light. I dissect myself and use the tattered remnants of my addiction to create objects of power. Fleshy tumours cut from my flesh, from my mother's, from my father's, realized in clay with their grotesque feebleness on display. Frozen moments of white-hot emotion, captured and preserved in wax despite their fleeting impermanence.
Words that rattled around in my mind—rough and unrefined—released as an act of catharsis, shared as an act of love.
My work is an archive of my experiences and I hope that by sharing them I can convey that there is no one way to feel about, feel with, or feel around addiction, trauma, identity, and the harder parts of life. It is a multifaceted, intersectional experience, and as such, I bring a wide range of media and expression that reflects the varied and nuanced voices within myself and the community at large.
Through my art, I seek to capture fleeting moments and eternal truths, to tell stories that resonate on a deeply human level. Stories that may be uncomfortable in their visceral nature and unpalatable honesty; perhaps even by their tragic relatability.
Art, for me, is a conversation—between the artist and the medium, the viewer and the piece, and ultimately, between all of us. It is a universal language that transcends boundaries and speaks to the soul. I hope that as you explore these works, you find a piece of yourself, a spark of inspiration, or a moment of connection.”
Charlie Clayton
I am disabled and QTIPOC
I was born in Tameside, Manchester, and spent my formative years in Hattersley before moving to Central Manchester for college. Initially, I pursued A-Levels in Art, Maths, Chemistry, and Biology but found the Art course to be too restrictive and dropped it as an option. This decision led me to complete an MChem in Chemistry, and I subsequently moved to London for a graduate job. After being made redundant, I tapped into my love for travel, which I had cultivated during my university years, and worked in the travel industry for a while.
My journey took a significant turn when I decided to pursue a PGCE in Secondary Education, specialising in Science. Unfortunately, undiagnosed disabilities and poor mental health meant I had to withdraw from the programme. During this challenging period, I turned to my creative pursuits and began streaming my artwork on Twitch, which allowed me the flexibility to work around my health.
Determined to continue my education, I returned to college with the intention of taking an evening class, but ended up enrolling in a Fine Art Foundation Degree. This pivotal decision led me to the BA Fine Art programme at the University of Brighton, where I graduated with First-Class Honours. During this time, I discovered a profound connection between my art and my personal experiences with Autism, ADHD, Fibromyalgia, and Endometriosis. Art became a language through which I could express what words often failed to convey.
Currently, I reside near Brighton and am pursuing an MA in Art History, with aspirations of continuing to a PhD. My academic interests lie in exploring the use of textile arts, craft, and collage as archival practices, with a particular focus on queer methodologies and practices, as well as crip theory. I am also delving into poetry and creative writing as new mediums to articulate my everyday experiences.
My art is deeply rooted in personal history and the complexities of identity. Growing up in a mixed- race, queer, non-binary, and economically disadvantaged household, my work reflects the multifaceted nature of my life experiences. Through my work, I aim to highlight the intersectional nature of addiction and mental health, using a wide range of media to reflect the varied and nuanced voices within myself and my community. My pieces often explore themes of generational trauma, identity, and resilience, making use of vivid colours, textures, and a deliberate interplay of chaos and harmony.
For me, art is a conversation—a dialogue that transcends boundaries and speaks to the human experience. By sharing my story and work, I hope to inspire and connect with others, offering a testament to the healing power of art.
In my spare time I enjoy going to creative workshops to try out new arts and crafts, spending time with my partner and dog, playing and storytelling in various LARP and tabletop RPG games, and watching K-Dramas!
Exhibitions and Achievements:
Sussex Festival of Ideas: Curating Conflict, 22 April and 24 May 2024, University of Sussex Library,
Sussex – Presented a personal archive of my artwork themed around "Hidden Conflict."
Art as a Response to Mental Health Exhibition 2024 – Exhibited my work exploring mental health
themes.
Better Left Unsaid Quilt, Doncaster Art Fair, online exhibition – Displayed my quilt, accessible at
Doncaster Art Fair.
Upcoming Exhibition - Expression through Freedom: Trans+ Sober Realities, July 2024, The Ledward
Centre, Brighton – Displaying work and volunteering on the Exhibition Production Team. Leading workshops in poetry, sculpture, and quilt-making, as well as participating in performance.
Illustration Work for Dissident Whispers – An RPG anthology to raise funds for Black Lives Matter and community bail funds.
Website: Charlie Clayton
Instagram: @charlieturay